Au revoir

Beautiful Humankind,

It’s almost been a day at this new place. And I never thought this is how I’ll be defining the word new. Dad, not even one face looks familiar. I swear. Not even one. It’s like I’m smiling at some strange people whom I never thought will be so important in my life.

Mom, I received your call today and I can’t express how much I missed you. I really do not know whom do I share all my feelings with. I can’t call you every now and then. Can I? Everybody will think I’m insane and I don’t want them to know that I’m. Dad, you know what, I hug everyone out there who has come to see the new bride. They offer me blessings and I smile back saying, “Thank You.” This is what I learnt. But dad, you know what, do you remember that day when I was back from my hostel? I had a really long day and my flight got delayed by 5 hours. Dad, it was pretty late that day. It was winter; it got dark, really dark. I saw you at the airport with that smile, and dad I don’t know, it was like for some seconds I didn’t feel that I had a long day. The glitter in your eyes made everything so pleasing. And papa I love the way you hug me. You just make me feel so comfortable. Yes, dad, I do understand that my new family, Oh! I mean, “My home” is good and they will make me happy every now and then. But dad, you are you and mom is mom. You can never be replaced. My family will always be my family. How could you even think that your little girl will make everything look so perfect so easily? I’m not that magical, dad.

Grandma told me the other day that she likes the way I am. Too much talkative is what she meant. She should’ve seen me here today. I don’t know dad, everybody, here tells me that I’m so silent. With time I’ll be fine, right? Mom, I couldn’t sleep last night. The bed isn’t like the one we have at home. It’s too much spongy. And the room, it’s too big for me. It isn’t messy either. There are no soft toys around which I can hug tight and sleep. Mom, I don’t know how I will handle the taste of the food I make. I know it is going to be tasteless. Mom, I sound so miserable right now. I should’ve learnt to make good food.

Bhua called me up yesterday. I told her that I’m completely good. And my hubby, oh! Yes, he makes me happy. But the truth is I miss all of you. And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing you all a little less. We completed all the rituals here. And it was a big day for me. Everybody here is really good dad but nevertheless, they aren’t you. They aren’t the family I’m accustomed to. And they aren’t the ones I have deeper connections with.

Oh, Mom. Did I tell you that like my favourite balcony here is a little balcony with little pots and flowers? I can sit there and look at the busy streets, read a book, or do nothing. I’m so glad to find that at least there is something that resembles home.

Mom, do you remember how I have always told you that maybe I will never be ready for something like a marriage. I wasn’t even ready yesterday. I wasn’t mom. The thought of a big fat wedding freaks me out. Mom, at this moment, I don’t know what home looks like. I just find it so weird to be here smiling at everybody like a complete idiot. I want to cry. I want to hug you and cry harder. I miss each one of you. I miss the way I used to be at home. I miss the way I used to wait for dad to come back from office. I miss everybody way too much. Dad, I can sense that I no longer have that glitter in my eyes when I see people. I don’t really feel good. Mom, the new home doesn’t look like home. Can I do a little drama and come back to my real home, please?

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Hey, Happiness!

Beautiful Humankind,

It kind of makes me happy to see people being cheerful around. I give a wye smile when I see the little kid holding a balloon and dancing all over. I find it just good to see happy couples around, teasing each other and spreading the love. I feel glad to hear some kind words like, “Thank you.” Or maybe “You’re beautiful.”  Or what about, “I know you’ll do it well.” You know, such kind words aren’t just words; such words make your day worthy. It kind of makes my heart glitter with joy to find that mom believes in me, even when I tell her, “I don’t know what is up with my career.”  I find is just so amazing to see people being creative and doing something that they completely love rather than being just successful. I like artists, and singers and writers and painters and people who are jolly and who make you feel jolly. I kind of want best friends like Ron and Hermione, who sends you a letter every vacation. It kind of makes me feel happy to see paintings and listen to music that has so much of essence within. It completely amuses me to see so many people in the coffee houses who are just so happy and delighted engrossed with a cup of coffee and some board game. It kind of makes me think how beautiful the world is and how pretty people are around.  It just makes me feel beautiful.  I wonder, don’t we all have the power to make ourselves feel beautiful?

Two cents’ worth

Beautiful Humankind, 

We’d do better if life was easier than pronouncing “Sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep sick.” But apparently, not everything is easier like, “Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

Things I’ve started telling myself in a loop.

  1. Not everyone will love you like the way you love them. Not everyone will respect you and your opinions like you respect theirs. You just need to know who is worthy of all your love and care and who is not.
  2. Not everything messy is supposed to be bad. You’re messy but you are not bad.
  3. With time, you’ll learn that even your loved ones hurt you at times. You either rant about it, or you shed your tears or do not react, it is all upon you. But remember taking care of yourself. You’re your first priority.
  4. Sorting things out is the one and only solution. You need to learn to let go of things and understand what the other person has to say. Don’t let your anger suppress any positive vibrations coming along your way. Moreover, don’t make your life a melodrama you’d start regretting.
  5. Learn; learn to respect that everyone is going through something we could not even imagine. The least you can do is to be kind, gentle and humble.
  6. There is nothing called an “issue”. You have an issue if you don’t love yourself. Everything else is just fine.

 

 

 

Your Way

I want to,
Learn to talk to me
know how to paint, and to write music
to be free and cheerful
and to enjoy my company,
So that
at one phase,
When I’m sick of the daily routine,
of boring days and lazy nights,
of the unsettled life,
At that point of time,
Even if he, she and you, give up on me,
I don’t want to give up on myself.

Because,
Self-healing is not just important.
It’s the only way out.

The sparkle 

Beautiful Humankind,

We describe people. We describe places. We pretty much describe anything and everything. I’d like to ask you something. If you were to describe yourself, how’d you do that?

This one is for me, Myself.  Okay, if you feel like judging me, no worries. Feel free to do so. Cause’ I’m sure my friends won’t and I don’t care about the rest.

I’m not a very messy kind of a person. But apparently, I like messy hair with a bun. They give me a feeling that I’m free and jolly. And also that not everything messy is supposed to be bad.

Trust me on this, I’m not good at managing everything in my life, not even my cupboard. But at the same time, relations matter to me. I’ m much of an emotional kind of a person and talking about human nature, I’m much susceptible to it. For me, there is nothing that could ever replace the priority that my close friends and my family hold. They’re glued on the top of my priority list. I’m blessed with people like them. And they are the key to my heart. Even on a bad day, I love them.

I don’t like small talks. Talk to me about stars, and dreams and life and it makes sense to me. I like people who speak with the sparkle in their eyes. I literally love them. And I love people who’re fascinated by the stars. Tell me, who doesn’t like stars? I can talk to you endlessly about the stars. I find them way too pretty. I don’t know why and how but every now and then, the trees, the wind, the sun rays, they make me feel lively. I’ve always been inclined towards the beauty of nature.

I’ll tell you, hate isn’t a word for me. I don’t use the word “hate” until and unless I truly hate it. I believe, dislike is a better word. Another considerable fact about me, I can’t get mad at someone for too long. And with too long I mean not even a day. If by any chance, I had a fight and it isn’t sorted, I couldn’t sleep the entire night. Therefore, I hate fights. Doesn’t matter small or big, I hate it for my good.

Yes, another bad thing about me. Sorry doesn’t make sense to me. I rarely apologize and I rarely take sorry into consideration. Instead, I believe in Thank you’s. I thank for the littlest of deeds everybody does. And I get happiness in thanking them.

I pretty much laugh at everything. Apart from some blue days, I’m much of a happy kind of a person. I like the optimistic me. I love myself. And I feel complete in the way I am. I’m glad that at least for a nano- second, I can make people smile.

My friends tell me that I overthink but I think they’re wrong. I think, I just think a little more than them. What say?

I like to see myself smiling and confident in the morning. Can anything beat the charm of a jolly person? With them, they make you happy too, right?

Of Insecurity and all that

Beautiful Humankind,

I’ll tell you something dark and hidden today. Maybe, a dark secret you’d call.

Listen. Just listen to me carefully.

When I look at the glittering stars above, I’d sense myself like a little tiny piece of object sparkling in its own way. But the next moment, you come to my mind. The darkness; the negativity; the aura of someone spying and it haunts me when it isn’t supposed to.

I remember yesterday when I was coming back from college, a group of men stared at me from bottom to top, not top to bottom. I call them bastards. You may call them a jerk. Oh, Yes, Yes. I just forgot that it’s a common ritual for men to stare at girls and pass some lewd comments. Why am I even cribbing? I’m really sorry. I should’ve been comfortable with all these daily on-going rituals.

During one odd night, when a very genuine friend of mine speaks about making love, I’m scared. I’m scared to a level that I can’t even let him touch me. Because the other day, an elderly drunken uncle on my flight back home tried squeezing my breasts and I couldn’t really scream. Can you just imagine what it felt like? That day, I’d experienced this feeling of getting blank. I learned what getting blank feels like.  But, it’s okay, right? It just happens with girls. It’s okay. Just relax. What are you supposed to do? Girls, Just be alert every time, right? I’m really sorry. I should’ve learned to accept the same from the society.

When I’m a little drunk, I ask my close friends to take care of me. Because it doesn’t take time to get molested and raped and who are you to blame? YOURSELF. You shouldn’t have been to the party late at night. Sorry, your fault.

Let me tell you, it isn’t okay. Not even to a level you could imagine. It haunts you. It just haunts you. It makes you vulnerable to things you aren’t supposed to. It makes you question about men who are good and genuine. It makes you question about kindness. It makes you question about security. And it’s scary.

At this moment, while I’m safe at my place. I wish every girl get the spirit to overcome everything they’ve come across and be safe.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the society we’ve nurtured. I’m sorry for the strange fear and the insecurities. And I’m sorry for all the girls who’re insecure even at 2 in the morning.

You, Me and The Bird

Beautiful Humankind,
We aren’t songs.
We aren’t stories.
We aren’t perfect.
We are humans. And we aren’t always strong.
Wait. I want you to do me a favour. Will you?
Pause for a while.
And then look around.
at the little birds flying, Could you see?
We are like the birds,
with dreams and wings,
with wishes and destination,
with hope and zeal,
But unlike the bird,
You and I aren’t hopeful.
We give up,
We give up on our dreams.
We give up on ourselves,
You see,
We aren’t perfect.
We are the lyrics of the song.
We are the characters in the story.
We are imperfectly perfect.
You, me and the bird. All of us. 

Oddity

Beautiful Humankind,

“You know, it’s scary.”

“What?” Looking at the busy streets he asked.

Like, you know, how just like you and me, most of us work to make things successful. To have perfection in everything we do. Indeed, to love perfection. Where planning starts much before we’ve initiated any idea and you know, how stupid we’re to have planned everything, every now and then.

And then there are a few of us, a few like you and me, who enjoy the little droplets of rain. Who could make time to feel the hazy clouds moving in a uni direction during the busy odd hours of their lives. Who smiles even after knowing that they aren’t being photographed. Who enjoys the little something without “planning” and without thinking of “perfection.”

You know, it scares me to be successful and unsuccessful at the same time.

 

Of feelings and emotions

Dear Distance,

You weren’t something very meaningful for me until the last few years. To be honest, I didn’t really bother to think what changes you could ever bring. And who thinks about the changes until and unless you experience it, right? I thought you were a tiny one and you wouldn’t be influencing my life this easily. But as usual, I was wrong. Like, completely wrong.

I must tell you, you’ve a different kind of capacity. Capacity to crave for someone at 3 in the morning or to make someone lose forever is all in your hands. I want to ask you, how did you manage to incorporate such talents?  I mean, how did you happen to be so versatile, that you could either make or break.

Dear Distance, Thank you for giving that intense feeling of meeting your favourites after so long. I hope you understand that happiness in the eyes or that different feeling in your stomach. Yes, I’m talking about that kind of happiness. Or else I’d never completely known the value of a person and what craves you to meet them. You know, there have been days when I hate you to a different extent. Days like, “Hey! What’s up? Oh, okay, You’re busy. I’ll call you later.” And that later never came. Or days like, “I can’t manage time for you.” I also want to thank you for bridging the gap and letting me know that we could still make it after such a distance. You see, most of my best friends are long distanced. And we’ve managed it well. You were smart, but we went an inch more to overcome your smartness.

What do you call a person who loves and hates you at the same time? If you figure it out, let yourself know that I’m that person. But at the end will you mind being a little more flexible?

With love and hatred,

Emotions.

You and Me

Beautiful Humankind,

Unlike yesterday,
Let me fall in love with you today,
And when I tell you I’m in love,
I’ll love more of your scars
And less of your perfection,
And unlike yesterday,
I’ll love more of me
And more of you.
And we’ll call it a
Perfection.